Too Much Niven

Too Much Niven… You know you’ve been reading too much by Larry Niven when…

Thanks to all the LarryNiven-L list subbers who’ve posted contributions to this. You may keep posting, although I think I’ll stop at 50. After that, the less clever, as determined by a committee of one (me) will make way for the more clever.

Since writing the above, a certain person, who shall remain anonymous to those who don’t know much about this list, has asked me to leave them all on. I suppose I’ll have to (grumble grumble)…

You're in a hardware shop, you pick up a torch and say "look, a flashlight laser!"
You pick up a skipping rope and say "look, a variable sword!"
You pick up a hand-held vacuum cleaner ("dust buster" in the USA) and exclaim, "Look an ultra low power Bussard Ramjet engine!!
You pick up a truncheon / baton and say "look, a police stunner!"
You use "tanj" or "armed for bandersnatch" in ordinary conversation
You're late to work, so you wish you had a flycycle (or a transfer booth).
Commercials for senior-citizen vitamin supplements make you think of protectors.
You try to talk to your cat in the Hero's Tongue.
Glass "Holiday" ornaments make you think of General Products.
You think of bungee jumping as "evolution in action".
When you see those Darwin fish on the backs of cars, you think "evolution in action."
You look for chocolate-covered manhole covers at candy stores.
You realize Mr. Spock was a product of rishathra.
Your excuse when screwing up is, "A grog made me do it!"
On a hot day, you wish a shadow square would show up.
You camp out in front of a bookstore for a week waiting for The Ringworld Throne.
You say: "Is that a tasp in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
You seriously consider getting a wire put in your brain's pleasure center.
You think 5 stars look really symmetrical and wonder if they are a Kemplerer Rosette.
You count the noses on elephants.
You develop a lithp: you count special occassions like anniversaries as first, second, third, fourth, fithp.
You see a baby elephant and think "HELP the aliens have landed!"
You see a baby elephant and he/she points a rifle at you! (after the baby elephant has para-folied down from low orbit).
You design asymmetrical beards and try to talk your husband into sporting one.
Your neighbor tosses garbage over the fence so you scream and leap at him.
At night you switch the light off and try to lie down in mid air.
You step into a lift and try to type your phone number on the floor buttons.
On the first day of summer or winter you retreat into your basement.
You watch Cartoon Planet and Space Ghost Coast to Coast - every time you see Brak, you think of the Kzinti telepaths, as described in the stories and also in the Star Trek animated version of "Soft Weapon".
There is an old movie (1933) that shows a man walking through walls. You see it and think "Where did he get the cziltang brone?"
You wonder if Tree of Life root would more resemble sweet potaoto or taro root.
You look in Anne McCaffrey's cookbook for recipes using Tree of Life root.
You get edgy whenever the moon is full... and looks too bright!
You can think of heaps of uses for a glass dagger.
You look at some guys tattooed chest and think "Thats a great Soul Trap!"
You think there really is a group that sits on new technology.
You get sunburned and wish someone would hurry up and invent tannin secretion pills.
You start to insert Niven references into totally unrelated posts/normal conversation.
You half expect the kid serving you at McDonalds to say "You want speckles with that?"
You call zip lock bags speckles bags.
You suspect you'd know how Bey Shaeffer would react if you offered him a ride on the back of your motorbike.
You sing under the shower: "Fascinatin' Niven, you've got me on the go..." and "I got Niven, who could ask for anything more", and you claim you've never heard of George Gershwin.
You sneak out in the middle of the night and uproot all your sunflowers.
You see a radio tower with a dark and light pattern on the horizon, and think: "Is that the Arch? How did I get on the Ringworld?!"
You see Mount Rainier from Seattle and think: "Is that the Arch? How did I get on the Ringworld?!"
Mt. Rainer reminds you of "Fist of God", especially when you see that tower with the black and white stripped pattern.
You walk into your local liquor outlet and ask for a bottle of Blue Fire 2728.
In a strange town you ask a local for directions to Cziller's House of Irish Coffee (or even perhaps Bergin's House of Irish Coffee, although arguably if you do this latter you haven't read enough Niven because he tells you it's in LA).
You wish for Plateau eyes when pulled over by a traffic cop - and you're glad traffic violations aren't death penalty crimes.
Foggy nights make you vaguely nervous - and you check the encyclopedia right after every walk through the fog to make sure you're still in the right world.
When preparing for a trip you ask prospective traveling companions if their grandparents ever won the lottery.
During architecture class you shout "What could Frank Lloyd Wright have been thinking - the grendels would tear right through Falling Water!"
You feel so sad for poor doomed Lois Lane.
You wonder if Gilligan was an ancestor of Teela Brown.
You often say "but on the gripping hand..."
Your *computer* has read too much Larry Niven when it propose's "little tiny license plates for bees".
57. You look at your cat and imagine his head stuck on his bushy tail with no body in between.

You think of naming a cat "Chuut-Ritt".
You spend an hour going through a biochemistry textbook to verify a single paragraph in a post commenting on one of his books.
You see an attractive woman and think, "Treefodder! I'd sure like to settle her in tuft!"
You try to get ketchup out of a bottle and wonder: How can I undo this stasis field?
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You go fishing, catch a non-target fish and, before you throw it back, you kill it thinking: "Could this be a future grendel?"
You stop and think before saying "Here, kitty kitty kitty."
You walk into a McDonalds and order a handmeal.
You ask the Zookeeper where the Bandersnatchi exhibit is.
You ask "where is the screee" while playing D&D.
You sit in a hospital waiting room wondering where you can buy an Autodoc.
You wonder if Louis Wu drinks Starbucks, SBC, or Tully's. (Seattle only)
You start thinking that your boss is a Trinoc.
You start thinking that your boss' boss is the Hindmost.
Susan Powter reminds you of Prill.
You are convinced (as the contributor was) that Pat Morita is Louis Wu.
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You drop your pen/cigarette/cigar/shot glass, because you tried to transfer it to your imaginary hand.
You quote Larry Niven's phrase "monkey curiosity" in a two hundred level english essay!
You forward particularly funny letters from the Larry Niven List to your friends, including those subbed to the list.
You lie in bed awake at night, trying to think of ways to save the pregnant Puppeteers, and you think of several.
You check the Larry Niven list email every morning, before even coffee.
You wear cameos as a religious icon.
You measure your Niven collection in yards (or metres).
Your Niven collection stacks taller than you, twice.
You lose track of your points, even before you get to your books.
You read Ted's list and try to think of new ones... and you can.
You are Ted, and you think "Tanj dammit! I wish I'd never started this!"
You go into an ice cream shop and order "a cubic mile of hot fudge sundae."
You see an aluminum foil covered window and wonder what Quantum level stasis field is running.
You step into a telephone booth, dial at random, and wait, and wait, and wait...
You dig a hole in your back yard, bury all your Time-Life How-to books, and head for the hills.
Zookeepers haul you off after four hours of legal arguments with unresponsive dolphins.
You go to Disneyland and are unimpressed.
You wonder if the SAC would be interested in Kdatlyno for tracking bogeys.
You wonder how much a billion stars is worth in modern currency.
You see a guy with a mohawk and wonder why he isn't uncomfortable without his pressure suit.
You go to a drug store and order Boosterspice and RNA education pills.
You refer to your trenchcoat as "the Garment to wear among strangers".
You try NOT to light a fire anywhere near a palm tree.
You put a stamp and your home address in your wallet.
You watch "The Bride of Frankenstein" and are prepared to run if her hair suddenly turns completely white.
You buy a bag of thallium oxide, sprinkle it all over your sweet potato plants and hope...
You're at a Halloween party and insist on drawing a pentagram on the belly of the guy dressed as the devil.
You start to write another "You know you've been reading too much by Larry Niven when..." line and... decide that sixteen is enough... think of another one... get up go to the bathroom...wonder where you gun is... go get a cup of coffee... consider the multitude of quantum realities... hit the "Send E-mail" button...